god I wish I could record you sometimes, you're so neurotic
That chick was all over your bacon last night, grinding on you, I thought you were going to bang her in the club
Dude it was a lap dance
Note left in log book: "4:30am a guy was caught masturbating in the bathroom and passed out in his own juices and we had to take the door off the hinges."
You guys are open that late?
I made a vision board specifically for the purpose of boning john mayer.
Sure, fine. Daughter just told me she is not a virgin anymore. I am gonna start drinking now
Just had to pull out another loan to pay for that public drunkenness citation. I am so ready to graduate.
You threw an open can of pop at me while I was lying on the floor babbling and drooling about how I need to be alone forever, me and my leaking face.
I gave you a lap dance in a bowling alley... And I was Fine?
We told her to calm down. She said "I'm Buddha!". Then army crawled to the cooler for more vodka.
I think I'll handle my grief by throwing myself headlong into lesbianism. Seems like a fitting tribute to you.
Literally the only reason we didnt get arrested was because the cop said I reminded him of Steve Stifler from American Pie
I left the bar I'm on a bench across from the bowling alley taking a nap please come get me. I've had three lollipops.
I am descending into that finals week rage fueled by ramen, mountain dew and bad sex is what's up.
Our office went out together for the first time to celebrate the fact our coworker got fired.
Did my extra credit for a class I badly need to pass at the bar of Friday's.. kind of sum's up my college career. Got a 90 though.
Randomize
