the doormen always congratulate him in spanish as he walks me downstairs in the morning
Question: Is it too early to claim April Fools on the text "can we do some lines before the concert" that I accidentally sent Mom?
It feels wrong to have dick mouth at a family dinner.
When I find myself drinking from a boot I just go with it and refuse to ask why.
shes 19, drunk and said she has no gag reflex. im trying to decide if i have scruples
you dont
i dont
he turned down sex AND sandwiches. who the hell does that?!
So was I the only one that was competing in the whale hunt?
I'm not a home wrecker but if one more married man with a yacht asks me to go scuba diving I'm NOT saying no
after we were done she whispered to my dick "you sir, are a genius"
I guess all those years with her as your babysitter finally paid off.
The tequila covers up the fact that the choco liquor tastes like sadness.
Ted is on HBO in 20 minutes...not sure if this or the drunken dance party I had at the bar to a N*SYNC Christmas song 20 minutes ago is the highlight of my week so far.
My greatest achievement in life thus far is being the go to friend when you have questions about butt plugs.
all i remember is slapping you in the face with a slice of pizza while laughing maniacally.
Come eat Chinese buffet and watch us trip on acid. It'll be fun.
He also sent me nipple clamps because romance is NOT dead
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