i forgot beer had calories. that would explain alot.
i found the one person in the world who takes longer to cum than i do... mutual dissatisfaction is probably not the best foundation for a relationship.
He sent me $300 worth of sex toys. My clitoris went into hiding after two days.
... They left for 10 minutes and came back with a lobster he's in the toilet downstairs
Just saw a cougar do the walk of shame. She asked housekeeping where the fastest elevator was.
I want to miss work tomorrow on account of violent projective vomit... Make it happen
I'll just be here. Naked. Eating tots and jello like a muh fuggin G
my dad just paid them in porn...i no longer feel guilty for getting hammered and not helping
Pretty sure that's a used tampon hanging from the tree outside my window.
Dude we both faced 40s of steel reserve which is like saying, "Hey, I'm a complete piece of shit!"
Someone came in the potted fern
I am too high to deal with coming home to 11 naked people in my living room
I wanna snuggle with you as we feed each other chipotle burrito bowls and that's just where I'm at right now
Doing shots with my high school valedictorian. Bucket list
I'm going to go ahead and refrain from sexting you in an airport that is currently at a "level orange" security threat.
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