if your leaving for the weekend then im farting on your pillow
i woke up in the lobby of Holiday Inn on a chair sitting up straight
He just said he was the Jesus of alcoholics.
i'm sick of coming in second next to bourbon.
After he was done he gave me a case of landshark and tickets to tomorrows yankee game. This is the best nonrelationship ever
Not going outside. I may melt into a puddle of wine
Wow I didn't even consider the possibility of him having ED. I'm gaining so many life experiences from dating an older man
please tell me we weren't that bad as freshmen
i can't, we're worse now
I just want him to come back from NOLA alive, without an arrest record or stripper glitter on his clothes...
Those seems like unreasonable expectations for a bachelor party honestly...
I will sleep with anyone I have to to make sure you don't get deported
He must have found my secret supply of blow and took a bump before we left the house. Rude.
He could of at least asked
Who'd have thought a guy with a lisp would be so good with his tongue?
I know it's just really hard to give up sex and cigs during a blizzard
Yeah well, last time I said I wasn't having a big night I was being strangled in somebody's spare bed
I'm gonna go parent style on your ass... I don't ask much from you but if you could please just come get shitfaced with me I would really appreciate it
Randomize
