Dude this girl just said she'd take me to pleasure town while giving me head
Will Ferrell is probably jerking himself off somewhere wishing he was you
How are you feeling today?
i could've thrown up on command at any point today...
My dinner was lean cuisine and tequila. Aaaaaand I need a boyfriend.
I had to hold off a girl who was trying to check your pulse while you were passed out. She kept screaming that she was a nursing major and needed to make sure you were alive.
Our logic class started an hour ago, I walked out and found my sister drunk, sitting down, eating m&ms, afraid to walk in... I want her life
This shit I'm taking feels like I've eaten every burrito in the world and chased that with an aquarium of hot sauce.
I stole a fireplace last night.
I can motorboat myself in this new push-up bra. I need to go out tonight.
He went to WalMart with $30 and came back with a watch, a basketball and an engagement ring.
I'm FaceTiming Pizza Hut.
I do NOT want my proposal story to start "...he was peeing on me and then..."
Having sex with him is like eating mayo. Don't think about it, just do it. It's worth it.
how much do I hate his dog? was just googling to see if you can rent a hungry eagle for the weekend hate.
Hey before you quit, let me sell drugs to your boss at least one more time
Congrats you've received dick pics from an Olympic silver medalist
Randomize
