Apparently, I showed up wrapped in caution tape and immediately jumped on the stripper pole and started making very sexual gestures at the birthday girl. We lasted ten minutes.
Call me as soon as you're able to dial a phone. I just took a shit behind a building in broad daylight and need to get the fuck outta here soon.
Its... i dont even know. theres lots of rap music and i cant find my shoes
I thought he put a fake swan in my yard, but no, he put a real life swan in my yard
if i bang your brother are we still cool?
Good god you suck at this wake up call. Seriously. If I can, after consuming enough vodka to subdue a russian soldier, muster up enough motivation to call you in the morning and send you naked pictures the least you could do is pick up.
The Australian strangers convinced me to leave him behind when they started chanting Aussie Aussie Aussie, Oy Oy Oy, and told me they had a bunch of beer at their place.
Our prom king just sent me a dick pic. I know it's 10 years later but I feel like I've finally made it.
I thought my sex drive was gone but let me tell you it is back with a vengeance
I just fell and sprained my ankle in the shower. No, I wasn't having sex. I was doing the time warp. Again.
I told him that we shouldn't complicate things. He responded with a dick pic.
Have a booty call at 3am, stopped for tacos at 2:30. It's 2:55 and I still haven't ordered but can't jump the curb to get out of line because there is a cop in front of me. What am I doing with my life?
Three times. Three times I left home yesterday in search for sex, and three times I returned un-orgasmed.
I think I kinda scared him when I tried to wrap his snake around his dick while he was trying to nap.
I’m not sure she knows my name. She introduced me as “the fuck toy”
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