On the way home from Florida I threw up at the beginning border and ending border of 6 states. You win this year Spring Break.
She just kept tellin me God was coming back and he was leavin her with a bag of stale doritoes and shitty friends.
I gave up my innocence when I let him cum in my spelling bee trophy
A girl pulled up next to me at a stoplight just now, looked around for a second, and then changed her top, bra and all, before the light turned green. New. Hero.
I'm naked and wearing a cowbell.i love med school.
We were fucking at break-dick speeds.
woke up to see a man wearing a sailor hat and covered in vomit sneaking out the door. Epic night indeed.
There's jack Daniels coming out of my eyes instead of tears.
I may or may not have had sex last night then sent him home on a bike with two flats
I think I'm the only sober person in the whole bar. If you count drinking less than 10 tequilas sober.
There was a selfie of you in the dark pointing at the camera with a duck face. You sent it to my 60 year old mother with the caption "you behave"
I'm gonna get drunk in the shower and yell at my parents during dinner. Have fun in Texas.
Stop your judging. I got free booze AND an oil change. You're the one whose always saying we're spending too much money.
How the hell does my fucking boss know about the goddamned magician I fucked?!?
You ripped his router out of the wall and screamed "I have defeated the matrix"
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