Not that I thought your boyfriend was a phile
But the whole crossing guard thing? Weird.
He could be your dad!
We discussed that right before he asked for my number
the guy working at the drive-thru just asked me if i wanna bang after he gets off work tonight.
given your current drought situation, im genuinely curious to know what your answer was
i told him maybe and gave him my number. sad? probably. but even if the sex is bad maybe i'll get a free burger out of it
Just boiled hotdogs in bongwater. NOT a good idea.
I don't remember coming home but there is cereal EVERYWHERE
about to play the homeward bound drinking game. alone. what are you doing tonight?
we need to drink more beer. the fridge wont close.
Why the fuck did you text me at 4 in the morning telling me not to have sex with the bird?
I woke up and found a doughnut on our front porch. It's not sketchy though. More like a gift from the gods.
max decided it would be a good idea to run down the hall and smack down the exit sign. now we are sitting in the emergency room, and he is wearing the sign as a bracelet
Is a 'Dr. Willy Fister Gynecologist' costume appropriate for work?
So are you actually going to come fuck me in the ass this weekend, or was that just you being drunk in a kilt?
I have a lot of questions this morning, most of them start with "Did I..."
My moral compass cannot be waived by two measly bloody Mary's
That's pretty intense. There aren't many people I would pick over a burrito
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