it doesn't mae me god, the fact that I am god makes getting dressed futile and tedious... btw i am still drunk
I dont know whether to be proud of myself for not driving, or being proud that i was so messed up I couldnt drive
So not only just find my adoption papers that I didnt know about in my parents house, but they say "child shows some signs of mental retardation".
he then proceeded to tear down my curtains, wrap them around his waist, and use the rod as his "rod"... you tell me how drunk he is...
They wouldn't let me go to sleep at the police station while I was waiting to bail u out. YOU OWE ME
Top hats and gin. This is why I love day drinking.
I've fucked 6 of my brothers' friends. I'm completely fine with him fucking the girl we ate lunch with.
I don't know when it is this year, but if I ever text you an illegible text that also happens to contain sharks, Shark Week started.
Just a heads up... Don't get high and attempt to do your own taxes
I just need like a magic vacuum to suck everything out of me and then an IV to put good stuff back in
Dude, why did I wake up with ketchup packets in my bed and the stove in my room??
SO DRUNK
PUKED IN DRIVEWAY
TELL PARENTS SORRY
i know it looks like there's pee in the mayo jar in the fridge but i promise it's just apple juice that wouldn't fit in the jug after i added the booze.
I see you listening to my get shitfaced playlist on spotify. glad we're on the same page tonight there's a drink waiting for you downstairs.
The internet was right. Snorting muscle relaxers is awful
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