Would it be horrible to send my ex's girlfriend an email telling her that I sexed her man up so dirty that he fell asleep inside of me afterwards?
He could be your dad!
We discussed that right before he asked for my number
They still haven't come up with a cure for a hangover; good luck cancer.
the girls im babysitting are trying to see how much jello they can swallow without chewing...their future boyfriends are lucky
It's alright she couldn't hear you. Her legs were over her ears
I just spent 30 minutes cleaning out my coleman grill. Did you really have to have grilled yogurt?
Been in the ER for 3 hours now. This hospitals transition to paperless is not going well. But my doctor looks like Elton John and just gave me percocet
A woman on my train just walked down the carriage in a wedding dress, crying and clutching a can of Carlsberg. Oh...
Wearing the 'Let's Party' thong feels weird without you...
Is it too early to start pregaming for St. Patty's?
I could be busy drinking my face off and getting red white and bruised per usual
I raged so hard that I was so hungover today I threw up out of a car window going 50mph cause my parents didn't pull over quick enough ...sorry to the people behind us
It's a good thing he's hot, because it seemed like he was trying to do CPR on my private parts
In going to go underground and live with the mole people for a while.
One minute we're singing Wagon Wheel, and the next you're belly dancing in a trash bag on the beer pong table
Randomize
