You should have seen the look on the cashiers face when I was buying steel reserve with a suit on.
you can't exactly throw up or pass out at the pentagon so i had to pull my shit together
unrelatedly i think im gonna download boogie nights just to see mark wahlberg's penis
They both invited me to family dinner Sunday. Secretly dating two sisters just got real.
The waitress bought us a round. She said if anyone could do 52 margarita mondays in a row, it was us.
Drunk you is everything I aspire to be in life.
I five year old is judging me because I just opened a bottle of Sam Adams with my teeth before 8am
your bra might or might not be a decoration on me and my roomies xmas tree haha
You told me to ditch them in the park, and when she jumped onto the car to stop us, you told me to scrape her off against a parked Jeep. That drunk.
Watching the dude who probably knocked me up be all cute with his girlfriend on my couch. I am too nice, and I hate today.
Please send me a thumbs up pic afterwards. No homo. After you've redressed and are heading for the walk of shame out of course
Of course I'll be there. I never miss an opportunity to smell like cigarettes, cheap beer, and shame.
All I know is when I checked my phone this morning google translate was open with "help the cow ate my robot" translated to French
Someone has big plans this weekend. Just went to throw away the trash and saw packaging for 3 different vibrators on the top of the stack
I threw up vodka and borscht. I'm done with life...I threw this up in a McDonald's bathroom btw.
Randomize
