Everything went well, until I walked into his bedroom and there was a Ronald Reagan poster watching over his bed - creepy
I think I found my soulmate. This guy in front of me is yelling about getting laid while holding two beers and texting. I think this is love.
Just found my mom passed out in my bed holding a bag of wine. Not sure if I'm ashamed or proud.
She said, and I quote "how do you run with something that big between your legs".
Just because you put plan b in my Easter basket doesn't give you an excuse not to wear a condom.
Apparently I took one a huge picture off the wall at the bar and was walking around dancing with it..
I just opened my filing cabinet at work for the first time in months. It looks just like my pantry: nothing but peanut butter and whiskey.
Can we do a version of last night where I actually remember shit?
I Can't even believe I threw all my pizza rolls at her, I mean not only did i ruin a good meal but now I dont have anymore
Am I allowed to be in denial about being gay again? Or is that one of those things you can't do?
Come through the front door when you get here.
Right now I'm so wasted I can't determine whats a door and a window.
just so it's not awkward when you get here, you and my dog have the same name.
Hahaha nice
I'm just hoping that with all the times he's puked in my yard a mushroom field might grow.
so he'll eat food out of a dumpster but he won't lick your ass?
Saw a sign that said the chorus of never gonna give you up was enough time to wash your hands. Coronavirus has Rick rolled me.
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