i just ordered a pitcher of margaritas for me and a friend but she called and canceled. oh well, looks like im getting trashed alone.
the waiter who hardly speaks english told me "i go get your medicine now"
this medicine is soooo good.
I accidentally broke up with him while I was drunk which is really too bad since I'd just gotten a birth control perscription so we could start having sex.
Do you think he'd take me back if I said "dude, we need to get back together or this IUD is going to have an existential crisis for not realizing its full potential"?
one more question, do you know why i woke up with 5 pounds of quarters, nickels and dimes in my pocket?
just found the deal breaker
hairy back?
he can't live within 1000 ft of a school
I mean I'm forever immortalized as the one who puked in his dad's straw hat.
Found my smoke alarm in a ziploc in my toilet...again
just made one giant jello shot... if i have to study on a saturday night, i'm gonna do it as drunk as possible
It's like I opened a door and behind it lay mythical creatures sprinklin fairy dust upon the land leading me to a pot of gold. And that gold is some delicious cock.
I will call him whatever I please, including flaccid dick on forehead guy but not limited to watermelon cunt head.
I'm in a waiting room at the hospital - and there's a dude here who is WAY too proud of his urine sample.
having flashbacks of licking salt of your dick for my shot of tequila
HE WILL NEVER BE ONE OF US. HE WILL NEVER BE A DECENT, GOD-FEARING WHORE.
Omg no hes gotta go down on me. Then itll be like my vagina has kissed the stanley cup.
I'm in the Sheetz parking lot waiting for dad to finish a drug deal.
you know my pussy doesn't know between good and evil
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