Trying to convince my mother to let me take some of my sisters Lortab to sell is not going well
his roommates said i can move in if i promise to only drink tequila the rest of the semester. challenge accepted.
I just walked into my exam wearing a mans tshirt and Alex's size 13 crocs twenty min late carrying only a pencil and my heels...I'm not real
I love being Chipotle's first beer sale of the morning.
I kept petting the scarves and telling customers to "feel that shit"
Stop drinking at work.
You need to braveheart it on Monday. Blue face paint and a loin cloth screaming freedom in your front yard.
Holding a cold bottle of mikes hard lemonade against my pulverized taint....this is my Sunday night
I made everything so magnificently awkward in under 15 seconds. I am magic.
I'm taking a dab in mourning of how long its been since I smoked with you guys.
The way I kissed her was actually pretty charming and then it devolved to car sex
One singular head for man, one giant climax for mankind
I was giving you head in the kitchen, and when I looked up you were eating a quesadilla.
I’m also apparently a very socialist drunk now
Instead of a horny one. All I want to fuck is capitalism these days.
What does it mean when the bartender gives you 4 straws?
When you called me I said did you make it home. You said yeah. Then you said you didn't know where you were. I said you were at home and you said but where. I said you are in the bathroom. Then you said oh, you're so smart lol
Randomize
