She'll never know what hit her
I dunno. Girls tend to recognize ball-to-chin contact.
Yea I just took my 1st pregnancy test. Turns out I am just fat. Also I haven't been with anyone in 3 months, which is clearly making me crazy.
So my retainer doesn't fit, so i'm getting drunk so i can put it back in. Alone.
You would...
I can't wait to be a mother. My daughters gonna outdrink every boy in her grade
you just kept yelling "siddle that plaza" til the cab driver said it back...
The sex was so good I went temporarily numb. Slightly embarrassing when she pointed out I was kissing my own arm.
I can hear my parents having sex. I REPEAT. I CAN HEAR MY PARENTS HAVING SEX! THIS IS NOT A DRILL!
Your mom is 55 and has MS. To be honest, I'm proud of her, and you should be too, bitch.
I'm cuddling with a baby pig and drinking champagne right now.
My bar tender texts me around 5ish and ask what I feel like, so it's ready for me when I get home. All star service.
Dude. You are the LAST person that should live above a bar.
i think i just encouraged him to glue googly eyes to my boobs
Less adorably, the dog stared me down, yelping, while I gave him a morning blowie.
Pretty sure by 1p, she had fucked all of my bodily fluids out of me. I'm now trying to replace them with bourbon so 2016 is turning out pretty good.
well, you know. whores of a feather.
Yeah, he threw a chair and hit her in the side of the head. She started hysterically crying and then proceeded to continue kicking our ass at beerpong. The girls got talent.
Dude, you ever snap awake on the toilet at work with that panicked, "How long have I been here?!" feeling??
Randomize
