allegedly i woke up at 5am sat in the dishwasher and peed
What are you doing?
High. Watching Billy Mays infomercials...
That guy could sell me cancer.
tonight's goal was "most regrettable decision" and you bring wine coolers?
shut up. I wear heels bigger than your dick
We hadn't had sex in so long that I started queefing and then I couldn't stop giggling... I think he's mad.
I justified spending $400 stocking my bar to my sister by saying it was an investment
Personally I think it's a tremendous investment
Still bad at ganbling. Still good at dringing.
had to split buying plan b over two cards. I will no longer challenge people to get on my level
I think throwing up in my her purse is probably why we broke up
Thank god the bicycalist i hit was on drugs
Every time I walk onto campus my Saint Patrick's day scar starts to throb. I'm like a drunken accident prone Harry Potter
I just don't understand how we smoked the EXACT same thing and I feel fine but Tim's over here serenading his fifth bowl of fruit loops with Elton John's entire discography.
You had a 45min conversation with the Ronald McDonald statue I have the video to prove it
I had a dream I hooked up with Post Malone. I can still smell the dream
it wasnt weird until his dog watched upclose as i put a tampon in
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