I don't know whether I should be pissed that there's glitter in my bed or proud that there's semen in there too.
i am making flyers for the homeless letting them know about free chipolte day
If there was a creeper hall of fame you and me would be the first two inductees
There's nothing more uncomfortable than drifting into sexual fantasies on a roadtrip and realizing you have a boner with three other dudes in the car.
you just kept yelling NO BUENO SENOR at the cashier and throwing coins at him, of course you were going to get kicked out of the grocery store
they told me they were banning four lokos so yeah i did have to buy 42 of them
Apparently we were arguing for captain seats so I shouted "who has your virginity." I got the seat.
I almost lit my balls on fire tonight.
A nap. You broke your hand napping in Vegas.
HELP! How do I get paint off the dog?
So here's my pathetic thought of the day: what does it smell like to be sober?
Just zoned back in to real life and found myself chanting "noodle eater noodle eater noodle eater" at my parrot as he devoured a single macaroni
It smells like grilled cheese and sexual frustration
I woke up and found my apartment really clean, appearantly drunk me couldn't tolerate living there anymore and left sober me a lot of insulting post-its...
You know it was a good dinner party when one of the guests broke their finger and no one can remember how it happened.
Randomize
