So yesterday I was on craigslist and I saw a listing for a sofa-cum-bed. I knew what they meant...
Michelle found a bong in the garbage and sold it to my mom
he rubbed his balls on my face to wake me up.. this friends with benefits thing is getting out of hand.
i just kept saying he was red & i was blue and we couldnt become purple. I started crying at one point
...But it's not like we would be the first people to pay for an abortion with student loans and cell phone rebates.
LSHMSFOAIDMT = laughing so hard my sombrero falls off and I drop my taco.
My mom wants to know what to send you in a care package. She used cat emojis, so you know it's serious
I'm the kind of girl who misses her mouth when trying to eat, do you honestly think I'm coordinated enough to wear heels during sex?
Sally, Your mom and my mom hooked up in college, we must uphold this tradition.
So I got this new job… ever been fucked in a corner office before?
STOP HOOKING UP WITH SOCCER MOMS! YOU ARE RUINING MY REPUTATION!
What a better way to celebrate that I'm single by becoming a stripper and making $1000 in one night
Is it bad I use my AA meeting to hookup with guys?
I've given up on the male species, I'm just going to be a lonely whore for the rest of my life.
The cards I get dealt on tinder now are karma for fucking a married man while I was in high school.
Randomize
