Tbell employee was shuffling through my bag, calling off each item i ordered to make sure it was all there. I stopped him halfway through with "guy, don't worry, I'm high as shit, I'll eat anything."
we just made rock paper scissors into a drinking game
she told me i tasted like america
Just remembered I hit myself in the face with a bottle then did the nose test and decided I was still good. Don't think anyone noticed.
We left the knife in your bed.
Jesus christ it's been two texts and we are already talking about dildos
Like if a baby's bottom had nipples, that's how my boobs feel
I was talking to another guy at the bar last night and all of a sudden a flying piece of Sausage lands on my boobs. Then I hear my boyfriend yell, "just marking my territory."
Come on down you're the next contestant on "lets go drinking!"
Pretend you're in a taco. That always helps me sleep.
I just had to close my blinds so my neighbors wouldn't see me drinking a beer at 9 am. GO CHIEFS!
I'm at my friends house alone, she's at spin class so I'm wearing her engagement ring and eating buffalo wings. It's 9:30am. Happy Valentine's Day.
I ended up changing her contact in my phone to "O Great Potato".
"He's not as cute as he was last week" and "I'm not as drunk as I was last week" are basically the same sentence.
you ass-dialed me while you were fucking my ex.
that was on purpose.
Randomize
