I ran out of diet so I'm mixing captain with a juice box. Being a mom has finally paid off.
I'm having sex on a snuggie, yes i stopped to text you
Found out that it IS actually possible to get road head from somebody in the back seat
Number of twigs I found in my hair: 5
I'd return your shirt, but it got all wet from lying on the bathroom floor while I was in the shower with Justin's roommate...
Keep it.
No gay bar. My eyemake up looks like sex and Im using these dick daggers of mine tonight.
He showed up to a baby shower and kept telling everyone he was late because he was pregaming. And then tried honking the pregnant girls tits
So you let the Viking explore your nether regions?
Her four year old daughter walked up to me grabbed my junk and said "this will be in mommy later." Wtf?
This drink tastes like mosquito repellent.
I drank all the wines... and all th Doritos. Whilst watching Fat Camp. I need to reassess my values.
Remembering you have vodka in the freezer gives the same surge of happiness as finding 20 bucks in a coat pocket.
she's always on high-alert for lesbians
ugffhh I have work in 4 hours and have recieved zero sleep, seeing that I'm trapped in the arms of a snoring bear man. can't. breathe. lost in the forestry of his chest hair.
I'm very disappointed that your kitten almost ate my weed cake...
Randomize
