i guess its officially winter break. i woke up alone and fully clothed this morning.
maybe you should start leaving anonymous bottles of booze on his doorstep with love notes attatched. that always gets me.
Fourth time I had to be woken up in the line of Whataburger in two weeks. First time my shirt was free of vomit.
we found you under the sink... we opened up the doors and you told us to go away because you were playing indian in the cupboard
hi sober isdnt real. this is a mass rtoomate taext i thing. bye
AMAZING.
We need to pull ourselves out of this slump. We need dick and lots of it. We are going to fuck our way to happiness.
Just beat off to internet porn while talking to my mom on the phone and eating a cinnamon roll. U have 5 minutes to get on my level
Somehow I got food poisoning AND alcohol poisoning in the same night. Its like everything I love is trying to kill me. I'm waiting for my tv to make its move.
He's the second guy this morning whose job is jeopardized because of my vagina.
I feel like this has turned into my work. But if I get paid sitting under a desk, that's perfectly fine with me.
I feel like despite his sleaziness I could be friends with this man. he just sent me a picture of his dog's balls.
Puking on the side of the road and legitimately just got a head nod and thumbs up from an 80 year old man on a Segway... What the fuck?
Did you leave it the depths of Magic Mike's favorite banana hammock?
Good dick will make you do a lot of things… Great dick will make you consider buying a house.
im ready to get drunk and forget everything ive learned this semester
Randomize
