You know you have a problem when the only thing that saves you is that you drank so late into the night that you sleep through the designated walk of shame time window
I bet her clit looks like pig in a blanket.
We really need to check into harvesting part of our liver now
An there's a little girl across the bar eating Mac n cheese... #1 she won't stop looking at me. Boo bitch I'm drinking alone. #2 I'm about to tackle her ass for that Mac n cheese.
This santa hat i wore to the bar, served it's dual purpose as a vomit bag.
You know what i just remembered? I asked the 8 ball if i was gonna get kicked out this semester before any of this stuff happened and it said yes. ITS REAL.
My addiction to golf is getting out of hand....I just caught myself swinging my dick like a putter while peeing.
Dude. I realize why I got sick. 8 shots three beers in an hour. Plus I ate an expired lunchable earlier.
Dude. Once again. Cleaning house. Found weed I hid from myself a month ago. Celebrating/testing it out. if i dont text back in 10, call dominos.
Andy was trying to screw his door shut from the inside so no one could get in.
is one penis in the hand worth one better nicer penis in the manscaped bush?
TIL a potato cannon can be loaded with dildos as ammunition. Boy, do our neighbours love us!
When dealing with embarassing medical issues, don't you want your brother's wife to be the one fishing around up your ass?
Isn't it funny how we're still best friends after that incident with the old lady in the bathroom
You fucking bailed on me. But I love you still
You went on the date? His pickup line was I swear I'm not a serial killer and you went on the date???
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