just had sex with a midget and didnt wrap it... were totally gonna have a tv show :)
i went to a real vip club. the bathroom attendant was wiping down counters after girls wearing gucci did lines of coke on them. where did MY life go wrong
i didnt think "maybe you should take over" was a good thing to say when i couldnt get it up
I'm hungover as fuck. My vagina hurts. I locked my keys in my car. It's about 93* outside. We're having sex in the pool when I get home
I took my shirt off and stood in the kitchen for an hour and a half talking to his parents about my tattoos
Leaving the phone at home last night was the best decision I ever made.... Though I still managed to text her and now I have 2 phones...
I think you begin to realize how unfair life really is when you're high and you discover that the new box of fruit by the foot on your shelf is actually empty
We're both on the slippery slope toward middle age...and really shame riddled bar experiences
She slapped me in the face with a McDouble. Just threw it right at my face while I was driving... That is why we can't bring her out in public.
I came in and she was laying on the ground just stoking it saying "the floor is where our feet step"
I fell asleep in my underwear on the deck. What the fuck.
This was the best text I've ever woken up to
Just set myself on fire a little bit. Made me think of you.
You got banned for life from a $30 a night motel. What are you doing with your life?
Went to bed still wearing my bralette. When I was changing this morning, a Tootsie Roll fell out. I'm definitely living my best life.
As your boyfriend, I'm gonna congratulate you on winning that fist fight. But as a cop, I have to tell you to not do that again.
Randomize
