I just saw a stripper wear a tube top around her floppy gut. God bless Michigan.
lesson #67 learned in college: a three day old margarita, is still a margarita.
so...dinner was kid's cuisine and a bottle of wine. i think they go well together.
it felt like i was a kid in an empty playground. i fucked him on every piece of furniture in the house and then when his housemates showed up i was naked in his bed like i'd been there all along.
I have a huge bruise on my thigh that I am 95% sure is due to you repeatedly throwing me over couches.
How high are you?
I feel like breakfast can just fly into my mouth
If you've ever wanted to get filthy in a Catholic church before 2 on a Wednesday, I might be your guy.
I'm on the toilet with no toilet paper. When are you coming over? I'm contemplating on just staying here until you arrive.
Just got offered a dog by two Meth head's one of which wasn't wearing shoes and continually saying "fuck"
I just audibly asked myself if i wanted to masturbate.
And then audibly agreed
Nah I've been there. The worst you'll see is some hobo peeing in a sewer at 3 am on a Saturday
Apparently you can unlock an iPad by doing a line on the lock screen I'm about to bust that myth
Woke up with a padlock locked onto my ear gauge and the first of many sticky note clues on my chest leading to the key.
I smell like a mix of alcohol, sweat, and sex and its only 10 AM
Okay I’ll say it... THIS MOVIE FUCKS
That’s probably the first time I've heard Little Women described that way and I love it
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