Crosby and Malkin: Two girls, one cup.
I'm sitting here watching a kid lick a basketball- where have i gone wrong in life?
Only now do I see "not intended for use on skin" warning. Wonderful. But hey, my dick smells like magic marker.
just cuze she's 16 doesn't mean it's illegal to add her on facebook
at the gym hungover with vodka in a water bottle. don't say i'm not fulfilling my resolutions
Holy shit, Uber is testing a service to summon an ice cream truck.
Bring me the penis of the founder so I may endlessly fellate him. Or cunnalinge. I don't discriminate.
Well we get the HIV results on my birthday haha. It'll be like happy birthday kid, you have AIDS.
Is the booze for tonight or the apocalypse?
Both. Pregaming the zombie party and hurricane sustenance.
I am drinking green tea.... My liver is in shock
me and him got disney princess makeovers at disneyworld. this is why gay guys make the best friends.
I know I don't have feelings for him because I feel completely ashamed every time after we have sex
I'm making myself the patron saint of bisexuality
YOUR STATE IS STUPID
Did you miss a turn again?
WHAT FUCKING IDIOT DECIDED TO DESIGN AN ENTIRE FUCKING STATE WHERE YOU CAN'T MAKE A FUCKING LEFT TURN?!? FUCK NEW JERSEY
And when were you going to tell me to stop dancing on his coffee table singing "come on irene?"
I want to conceive our bastard child on an athletic field. Why can't we make this happen?
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