I showed him my bush... on skype.
I'll listen to your side of the story when you stop being such a whore.
Just registered some guy for opium withdrawals. WTF opium withdrawals, who does opium anymore.
Just left some random in my bed to go get mcdonalds breakfast. I'd say my priorities are on point.
you kept insisting that i was jake gyllenhaal and you were heath ledger.
it's not like this is the first time she's brought a guy home and I'm the one who hooks up with him
I hear fucking Christmas music. I'm going to find fucking Santa and tell him to suck a dick and shut up for the next month
I was like wtf you can warn a girl like hey I have a huge dick and I fuck for hours
Someone google feeding your vagina Advil and Neosporin
Ok because I want to set a new world record for how fast I can drink away my Christmas money
It's rum buckets o'clock
I had a meltdown and you quoted Puddle of Mudd to me
I didn't pay $79 for lingerie for you to cum in 30 seconds
My vagina feels like a chupacabra ripped me apart using its mythological set of needle pointed teeth
Today some guy at work told me I had the nicest hair he's ever seen and my response was "thanks I grew it myself". This is why I'm single.
Do you ever wake up and realize playing beer pong with your parents wasnt a dream? Your mom really beat you
Randomize
