Why is there an empty beer bottle in the shower?
Why wouldn't there be.
haha I love it when I find out that girls who were mean to me in middle school are now some random dude's baby mama. thanks, facebook.
You went from loaded cattleman, to football player, to better football player, to art major from Missouri. Your future was looking so good for a while.
Somehow "stranger danger" turned into making out with a 25 year old on burbon street.
So hung over, I told one of the candidates she's hired if we can turn the lights off and take a nap instead of doing her interview. I feel like she has potential.
You were naked with a chalice of Skittles vodka, singing along to Les Miserables.
Drive by water balloon fight on $500,000 boats ended when someone threw a dildo
I'm sad that I feel like I need to temporarily change your name in my phone from Smashley until you have the baby and can be unsober with us again.
We started a fund for a baby in a wine glass, I think we're pretty responsible.
Okay, so when I go to meet your grandma, let's do a quick cum check to we don't have another "what's that on your face?" situation.
Every time I download Tinder again, I hate myself a little more.
All I know is that I got to have an orgasm yesterday during sex so nobody can put a damper on my day, NOBODYYYYYY
so i just met a former male stripper who has a lion king tattoo. new BFF? i think yes
I was trying to decide if i was still high whenever i realized i was pressing the buttons on the microwave cause i liked the sound.
So my best friends wedding ended with everyone seeing me getting eaten out behind the forbes church. Classy!
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