Come on... In this relationship-economy, you gotta have "awesome blowjobs" on your resume.
why the fuck does my google maps say i'm in punjab?!?!? u think it has to do with like...outsourcing?
You're just mad at the fact that I want to be a car alarm.
Just figured out I can wedge my iphone between my boobs so it stands up at a perfect handsfree reading angle. Clearly somebody up there wants me to smoke this bowl while I watch my bieber videos
I got him a footlong to apologize for trying to push him off a balcony...
So apparently we dropped beers outside the apartment last night, and someone RETURNED them! Ha like what? I just walked out the front door to Christmas in a box on my doorstep.
Tell Chris I said sorry for yelling "It's my vagina, let me do what I want with it!" at the party last night.
Woke up covered in green glitter and beer. I am never leaving Ireland.
When you called me you were telling a hobo that you couldn't spare ten bucks bc that was your beer money. All your words were slurred.
Fuck him.
Awee what are you going to name your new dog?
What dog?
Bring me your tired, your weary, your buffalo chicken dip
Guy running next to me at the gym is judging me. I think he can smell the whiskey leaking out of my pores.
No we didn't fuck. He picked me up I asked where we were going and he said "I don't know if you've ever heard of a little place called Denny's?" He was completely serious. I told him to stop the car and I got out and called Jack.
He paid for a 5 star hotel suite and I raided the mini bar after he left. I think that’s bad karma. Want some pringles?
I sent him home with blood on his fingers and shame in his heart.
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