So i had sex for a couple seconds last night
so i replaced his speed with my ped egg shaveings
dont u have athletes foot?
I've never had a woman show me her venereal disease results in a bar before.
I am more sore today than I was after my car wreck. Take it as a compliment that you bang harder than a semi-truck.
I also tried to drunkenly adopt a kitten last night. It didn't pan out.
Succesfully slept on the roof at work for 3.5 hours without getting caught. I need a promotion
Malibu has added tequila to its rum. It's like when two beautiful gaybies come together an spawn a unicorn that only cries jellybean tears.
Just got gas in my car for the first time while high. Went better than expected.
You don't understand. If you watched a video of the shenanigans that occurred in my life over the past 48 hours you would gasp worse than the girl who witnessed me puking in my bag at the children's hospital
I wanted sex but got Ace Ventura: Pet Detective, instead. Then I had to drive 30 minutes home wet. Worst booty call, ever.
Try explaining "the nature of your relationship" to a cop when your fuck buddy vandalized your car. Priceless.
Did you drink ALL that 151??
No. We drank all the jaeger... Then used the 151 to start the fire. We're also out of paper towels... And your hairspray is flammable.
Should I get the rainbow boxer breifs???
As your boyfriend, this is a level of gay that even I can't handle.
I stopped him mid keg stand to show him how cute my bra was...
Dude, running 15 min late.
Let's play a game, you pay for all the drinks I can finish before you get here. Go.
Randomize
