I just walked in on my mom and dad......It wasn't my dad
Im at a party and this guy hitting on me just showed me his 'caution choking hazard' tattoo right above his penis. There goes any chance he had of getting laid tonight.
im honestly more upset that i fucked a buckeyes fan than about cheating on my boyfriend...
come on down! you are the next contestant on the night is drunk!
you did a full monologue with your sober self last night. different voices and everything.
him and the cab driver we buy e from got into a fist fight, about which show is better, futurama or family guy.
He told me I look like a librarian today. I hope that means he has a librarian fetish or something
Disregard. He says he said I look "agrarian" today and just proceeded to compare me to Mumford and Sons. Fuck it, I'm going home and drinking
the fact that i came three times was completely negated by the fact that he high-fived himself after.
Trust me, dating 38 and 20 year old dudes at the same time is the best. Money plus all of the sex. Finally figured out this relationship thing.
Pretty sure when I woke up the next morning we were still fucking. It just didn't stop.
He's like a Lana del Rey song that took human form
After my shift today I'm going on a bender. Not saying this so you'll stop me, just a heads up to invest in Tylenol, Gatorade, and Jack
You informed me your place was now a nudist colony and unless I was there to drink schnapps with the cat I had to strip.
This sucks! All of the twenty something dick I was getting went home when the university closed
I just sharted for the first time in my life. Age 33. Lying in bed. Sober. 2021 is off to a great start!
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