He uses pillows to masturbate.
she gave up head for lent, but she said sex was still fair game
When I told my boss I'm using a vacation day for 4/20, he gave me his personal cell phone number and winked at me.
I have pink band-aids all over my body, WHAT HAPPENED?
Keg backpack and a Bike
The bruises are from paintball. The money is from me being awesome
Thanks, college. Tonight's decisions brought to you by margs in a nalgene.
I told you he wasn't attractive.
Do you think I cared? I was wiping myself with a scarf..
You've fucked so many I should get a word bank when you make me guess these things.
I don't want to jinx anything but I may have found the one.
Cat or human?
Human
Our first time hooking up was on New Years and we've managed to hook up every holiday since, I'm hoping this lasts until 2016 just to fulfill my American Holiday sex fantasy I never knew I had
The sex was so good I feel like I could run a triathlon, hit big at the casino, and defeat ISIS.
I sprayed his whole room with my perfume and left lots of my hair on the bed. So now if he does bring her home, the bitch will know this territory is marked.
last night I learned that if you try to buy tacos in this town, that you will be stopped by three cop cars with breathalizers
My fire has petered out without you
My Peter has fired out without you
That might be the most romantic thing you’ve said to me, unfortunately.
I'm too depressed to drink my wine. That is what I would call a serious problem
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