i hope you realize that ur overconfidence only gave me one orgasm out of all the times we had sex. that's like a 1% success rate. u might wanna rethink how amazing you are.
i stapled my math hw together with an ear ring, too ghetto?
Crying in the liquor store is not a good look
I think I need to donate blood to see if I have Hepatitis. Again.
Vodka drinking games. Where you wake up next to a douche lord and see your thong in the blinds.
I have bite marks all over my ass. Is that an acceptable excuse for missing class?
You could be a whistle.. And just ask bitches if they want to blow you all night
Oh man
I hooked up with the lead singer of the band at the wedding. I am so hungover.
He gave me a box of cheez-its after sex, does that make me a hooker?
"They let me see the x-ray. My nose is broken. I saw it. It was cool. Well, I guess it would be cooler if it wasn't my nose."
How weird is it that 2 people I've had sex with have the same birthday and they don't even know each other
Accidentally made a bowl of macaroni and cheese with a bottle of vodka. It's not that bad
he walked off and puked in the sand. then he made a sand castle over it so that "it wouldn't upset the kids"
Dad literally changed the channel from an episode of Big Bang Theory to another episode of Big Bang Theory. That's why I hate this show.
she crawled a good forty meters just to whisper in my ear... "dildon't"
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