all i need in life is blowjobs and white cheddar cheezits
I just asked the dr if it was herpes while wearing my shirt from the strip club...
I told you to stay away from the strippers in Oklahoma
I should have but it might be too early in this fuckbuddyship to emasculate him
these marshmallows taste like mayonnaise. like playing tetris on a gameboy, that's what these marshmallows mean.
She apparently grabbed another girl and pulled her into the shower fully clothed. When the girl was like "you need to stop" she curled up into a ball and refused to leave.
Whoa, you know how to pick em.
I swear to Christ if it turns out to be an intervention, i will set you on fire.
Bailing my boss from jail at five in the morning.. If thats not a promotion I don't what is.
Considering the fact that everyone took the wrong jacket from that party, should we casually try to return the chalice and soccer ball we stole from last night?
So I just went to 3 different stores because there is no way I can walk out of one store with this many reeses and still have my pride.
STOP SETTING ME UP WITH GUYS YOU MEET ON CRAIGSLIST
I've counted 3,503 loops of fabric on my carpet so far. FUCK YOU ACID!!!
He sent me a text from across the party that said "your sexy." I just couldn't.
Well, I was giving him a handy and I sighed in boredom. He heard. I had to fake moaning sounds after he asked if I sighed.
I'm in the fetal position trying to figure out a way to get someone to deliver me pancakes.
I just checked and if you bring a picture of your ex they will shred it and give you a free 'hater shot'. Would it be too much to print off one of their wedding pictures and bring it?
I really love that you're not going the 'why am I not married and having a kid yet?' route, but rather 'thank god I dodged that bullet'
Randomize
