Just got roadhead while going 95. I came for a mile and a half.
you have to give me like a days notice for these kinds of things, you cant just call at 9 am and expect me to be sober
I'm thinking I had intended to send you pics cuz I woke up naked
I turn the corner to find her walking in the front door in a tee-shirt, two different shoes and no pants. All she said to me was "I'm sad"
buying my parents vodka for Christmas is like buying a normal person socks.
Ask him about a girl named Meg then give a disappointed and disapproving face.
I brought him to this party even though we're not together anymore because we made a bet on who would have sex first, and it is a sausage fest up in here.
He must have sensed I was about to trade him in...he's really stepped up his sex game
I have to deal with three things I do not like this weekend. Pooping in toilets that are not mine. Air mattresses. Not beating off in the shower.
Thank you for caring about my cervix.
the day has come. I have finally reached the point in my life where I just don't give a fuck about anything anymore. it's beautiful!
You're finding a boat, I'm going to sleep with a guy that lives above a bar and has 24 hour access. We are really nailing this adulting thing
Mom is talking about dicks with her friends in the living room. I am 5 seconds away from scaling the bathroom window out of here.
I take it you're alive?
Mostly. Can't quite control my arms.
I'm drunk and kinda wanna go home but now I have to go have more sex, my boxers are in the dryer
Randomize
