everyday i am more and more thankful i can still check the no box for "have you ever been convicted of a felony?" on applications
it was like watching bambi learning to walk, if bambi was 22 and a high functioning alcoholic.
i wont go near him until the smell goes away , and he takes the chex mix box off his head.
I wonder if that one guy remembers you sticking salami to his forehead when he was passed out on new years eve.
I just headbutted my cat because he was trying to eat my bacon.
I just want to jump into a ballpool of dicks now.
My name in their phones is "That Girl". If i can't get it to go away, I might as well live up to it.
I'm walking home wearing Kermit the frog footie pajamas, carrying a monogrammed shot glass set with my name on it. It's fucking Christmas!
You stood outside his house all night throwing your sister's leftover Easter eggs and singing 'now you're just somebody that I used to blow'
He gave me four orgasms and I kept yelling "Thank you!" and he kept replying, "My pleasure!"
Midwestern nice.
She looks like a Midwestern news anchor that got fired so she has done nothing but eat for the past 6 months.
I think the blind guy i flirt with on a regular basis is starting to realize he's old enough to be my father. I can't tell if he's into it or not.
I never saw such an emotional argument over yellow vs. spicy mustard.
Dude I think the cat just licked the coke plate
I'm surronded by jorts. You're probably too drunk to care. I'm gonna cry now. Love you.
Randomize
