a queef is a wish your heart makes.
if i get the "i'm engaged" text one more time, i'm going to shoot myself in the face so my cats won't eat it when i die alone.
I'm giving up shame for lent. Here come the best 40 days and nights of my life.
i only understood the part that said mucho orgasmos
We found you on the floor drooling you kept saying over and over how you were double jointed.
He met a random girl on the bus home and decided to go to Spain with her. The blackout decisions are becoming internationally epic. He has work in the morning.
she's living proof man. somebody has literally pissed in the gene pool
Trust me I was high for like 5 years...I got this
I'm in a pile of cheezits at an unfamiliar location watching dateline on tlc. Stage an intervention.
I want to buy her liposuction. And a spot on What Not To Wear. And a face transplant.
Then me, her, and her mom snorted tequila. The bartender was in shock.
I dreampt that we were shooting zombies while we having sex. Is that normal?
Any story that involves the words "bloody hand job" and/or "sliced penis" is bound to be a good one, right?
Considering all of my stomach contents ended up in my center console, I'm a bit peckish.
I'm reading 50 shades of grey and masturbating while he's doing insulation downstairs. Maybe I can get him to bring me a sandwich
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