my mkouth tastes houw teh zoo smelllls
Annihilated within 20 minutes of arriving on Saturday, proceeded to hook up with him half a dozen times/almost have sex in the shed. Later on I text his boyfriend letting him know he's okay and that he's asleep next to me. If I could parlay this skill into a vital component of national security I'd be the Jack Bauer of homewrecking. Diner later?
I just spread your mom's ashes with my new girlfriend. I wouldve waited for you to fly home but she was uncomfortable in the house with her remains there. I'll mail you the urn since u handpainted it.
YOU HAVE A GIRLFRIEND ALREADY!?! WTF WE JUST HAD HER FUNERAL 3 WEEKS AGO!!!!!!!!!!!!
she looked me in the eyes and called me a poet because i was singing lady gaga, then she fell over...
before you smothered your pizza in mayo you blotted it with a napkin saying you were trying to watch your fat intake
I just did my online traffic school at the bar. No biggie.
I've been crying in my room listening to Billy Joel for 2 hours. Thank God Four Loko was banned.
yeah except there is a correlation between drinking moonshine and going blind, which kind of concerns me
bringing a ziploc bag full of Jim Beam to the movies may not have been the best idea.
he's my ex-boyfriend's best friend... he tried to make out with me to prevent me from hitting his friend. then they almost fought about it.
teach me your ways.
Evidently I told a girl she should leave the bar because no one wanted to fuck her.
Those mornings you wake up with a Barbie tramp stamp are the mornings that are the that are going to make me miss this place
You were buying shots for everyone, saying, "I got a tax refund. I'm a MILLIONAIRE."
I can't finger myself when I'm all distracted about whether or not your family is going to like me
She's going to jail in a few weeks but she just got a boyfriend. Yet I'm still single as fuck.
Randomize
