If I don't wake up snuggled up to 14 ice cream sandwiches, my life is incomplete.
she said her black crocs were her 'dress up crocs'
I already wrote the apology to my liver. He knows whats up
The other night after we fucked we talked about Lowe's vision insurance. Never fuck a coworker.
I said I was going to sleep an hour ago. Now I'm making plans to get high with the guy who mows your lawn.
The weed is temporarily burning the grammar section of my brain library.
This is kind of a weird question but were you the other girl Ben asked to do a group sex thing with?
You asked me to pick a color between pink and purple, and I said orange; you told me, "okay, that's a truth question". Then you asked if I had ever deep-throated a cupcake...I didn't even know what to say.
I just made kick ass drunk stir fry while taking care of three other drunk people and doing shots. I don't understand how that's not wife material
Just stepped off the plane in St. Louis. I'm breaking out in hives, I'm allergic to Midwesterners. Can't WAIT to get the fuck out of here.
I am drinking fireball and apple juice out of a sippy cup like a fucking toddler.
He danced with some other girls and you started yelling "I can't believe I wasted half my Chili's gift card on you" at him
I wish you could just Google "people I've had sex with" and they would all just come up
He was so drunk we almost didn't even make it to his place because he didn't know where he lived
My one night stand from last weekend is now taking me on a date this weekend. How is this my life?
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