Why is it that every time I type the word "give" my phone spells out HIV?! You know how many people i've told I want to HIV them something!
it was like she was tryin to eat my face and i was defending myself with my mouth
The guy in front of me in lecture is using a fifth of smirnoff as a water bottle.
Nevermind, it's not water.
who knew that if you vomit while skydiving the puke goes up towards the people that are behind you.
is it just my freshly shaved vagina or is the guy at the end of the table pretty cute??
I just figured out, there are 9 children in this world that I can look at in the face and say "I fucked your mom."
I'm sorry. We set two Christmas trees on fire. Also the neighbor's yard. Also ours.
I actually want to hang out with her with our clothes on. That's a big step up for me.
She was indeed spoonfeeding you potato salad out of that giant bowl with a giant spoon. Dont feel special, she was giving it to everyone that left the bar.
After you vomited on the patrol car, you thanked the officer for helping you up off the ground. I don't think you realized you were being arrested.
It got messy; I did a shot of seamonkeys.
Um...It has come to my attention that I may have said some rather vulgar things about Sean Connery to you and anyone listening last night, so...I apologize for that. I meant the things I said. But still. Sorry.
I suppose what I've learned from this experience is that sometimes you just have to make out with a narcissistic baby daddy to make a clean getaway.
Dude. I need you to practice dancing around in your banana hamock. Party boy style. I'll call later with details.
I don't blame you. I made YouTube videos of me singing Rent songs then slept with a married couple. Fucking tequila.
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