hey. who tried to drive me home last night?
not sure. we got lost. what do you mean "tried"?
i'm still in their car. parked on the beach. no one else is here. i have on different pants.
i realized i had a pad on before i went to this guys house so i stuck it in his neighbors shrub.
I swear to god I'm going to hunt down and stab the next telemarketer that calls from a blocked number while I'm waiting for my STD results...
Dude, she literally stopped, mid fuck said "I want soup" got off my dick and make top ramen.
just ran into my gynecologist at the liquor store... i think she's found the source of my problems
she literally hasn't taken the mardi gras beads off in three days. she showered in them. TWICE.
Sooo just headbutted a stripper, meet you outside
Things I woke up with this morning: half a mcmuffin, orange hair, one shoe and a friendly german man. Tequila was a brilliant idea.
Am I the only one that feels like there are hundreds of tiny people having a rave and stomping and kicking around inside my head this morning?
I feel like just to watch it, I need to be high. To understand it, I'd need enough drugs to kill an elephant.
Drunk girl in a bikini just tried to bite my face, it's officially spring break
Mmhmmm. I have a list of drunk achievement that is almost as long as my list of stoned achievements
I never thought I would be saying these words but...when did David Spade get hot?
It's my birthday. I should be drinking mimosas in a top hat, not working.
Hitting up all my dealers for my birthday grams is paying off
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