areee we human. . .oorrr areee we dancerssssss?!
you srsly need to quit going to that bar
'Watching yourself cry on Photobooth' is the new 'watching yourself cry in the mirror.'
if I was a wizard from waverly place we wouldn't b having these problems
Just when you think you're never going to have sex again, BOOM you're naked in bed with a guatemalan
Is there a card that says "Sorry I got drunk at your Christmas party and tried to steal your monogrammed hand towels so that I could give you something nice for Christmas"?
The cop was more concerned with the syringes on the dash board than looking for the source of the smoke. Thank god for diabetes!
I just got head while watching air force one. Harrison ford would be proud.
She offered to treat me to breakfast after a one night stand if I meet her parents and sex again if I act as her bf. It may be a trap but its a offer I won't refuse.
Well shit, I would've slept with him if I knew he was gonna be in the draft.
Apparently duct taping your dick to your buttcheks before the first time she goes down on you isn't as funny as projected. She cried because she thought I was a girl the whole time.
she doesn't even know what year it is. She just stumbles around life with a bottle of rum
When you're trying to sneak from the bathroom to your room with dildo, but it glows in the dark and suddenly your entire life is illuminated in the shape of dick
I just got a text from a guy. The python is ours if we want.
There is a dude riding on one of those standing wheel things inside forever 21. Calm down.
You peed in the sink and kept shouting "I'm the black swan! Ca-caw!"
Randomize
