Do you remember getting into a Delorean last night?
i feel like im doing the pre-walk of shame..like every car that drives by is like, ooooo look at that girl, in that itty bitty dress, yep shes about to get her skank on tonight...
I'm so over stopping myself from talking about my sexual experiences in front of children.
he wanted to have sex on the little rocking chair but i was too high to figure out how to do that so we did it on the floor.
He snuck into some random hotel's continental breakfast at 3 AM and then passed out on a bench in the lobby. When the cops found him they made him empty out his pockets. No phone, no ID just muffins.
He wouldnt stop screaming that he wanted a trashcan WITH a lid. Whats so necassary about a lid
My professors need to stop cancelling class. Bad things happen when I have too much free time on my hands. Bad things.
mom found the triscuts in her underwear drawer, its done.
Everyone is drunk but me. Fantastic. Everyone is hooking up but me. Awkward.
I had a pitcher of margaritas. Now I'm in a laundry room being a 5th wheel and crying. I made myself a bed out of a pool floatie. I win.
Just made a beer run. At 9am. In my pjs. I should not be graduating today
My apologies. I'll try not to let my dick interfere with official work duties in the future.
You drunk-dialed me and asked me to describe my burrito
All boys are excommunicated from my vagina until further notice.
Is it ok to bone a former patient who is also a client? Since it is two negatives does that cancel and become a positive?
Just think how much she’ll hate me when she finds out I fucked her father
Randomize
