im going to pretend im pregnant so i can eat a lot then i will accidentally fall down the stairs
I'm at a job interview and I smoked a little before I came. I thought it would make me less nervous. Boy was I wrong.
If a man's penis is referred to as "the family jewels" does that make a woman's vagina a jewelry box?
I wrote and sealed my mom's mothers day card last night while intoxicated.. should i put it in the maibox
without a question
my nick name has gotton too long over the years..C.T.P.S.G.F.P.G.......cock tease private school groupie frat party groupie.
just had a memory of me telling homeless mark that it was the year of the bunny and he said "you da bunny, girl"
dude you need a shock collar for some of the things you say when you're drunk.
i broight you flpweers amd vodka. open yoir bask door
Welcome to the south, dude. Gives the phrase "I wish you a dry ass" a new perspective.
They switched jackets and you didn't notice. You made out with both of them and had no idea
At first I was horrified but then he explained that he shave a "soul patch" on his balls... And I was still horrified, but I went with it.
His gf just liked my changed relationship status. She's gonna shit bricks when she finds out he left her for me. Bless her little heart.
Monday funday. I brushed my teeth with antibacterial soap. hangover I did not have.
I'm at the nutcracker high as shit. It's so beautiful. I cried.
I need to get all the one night tinders in my system before I move back in with my parents
Randomize
