im giving 12 year olds life advice. this is probably illegal somewhere.
Just found my DARE notebook from 6th grade. Extacy was starred and highlighted.
At least I've made one childhood dream come true
So i closed my laptop as i started to fall off my bed and then i caught myself and realized that moment of catching myself is the difference between tuesday and friday.
She's hidden vodka up her skirt and is riding a parking meter. Things can only get better
The cab driver thought we were passed out so he called a sexline...
i think this is the gayest thing you've ever shown me. and i'm pretty sure you've sent me pictures of a dude sticking his dick in a horse's nose.
some girl at the bar told me my beard would tickle every inch of her body till she joy puked her face off.... that was so random and odd i just had to buy her a drink for having the guts to say it to me. WTF
I would fuck him In a heartbeat, an obese child running up stairs with an irregular heartbeat, heartbeat.
we broke up because he couldn't handle the fact that i've slept with more girls than he has. also, i've slept with the girl he's seeing now.
well he somehow got his hand stuck in some bike spokes trying to reach for a blunt he dropped and that's NOT the reason he's in the hospital...?
I told him he was like my favorite pair of jeans; I may not wear them every day, but I'll never get rid of them and they make my ass look fantastic. Needless to say he was not thrilled.
Was the picture of her twerking on a fake plant sufficient?
Had a slight melanoma scare this morning. Spoiler alert, it was Nutella.
I've been continuously high for the last 48 hours, and just broke my 4th vibrator. Coincidence? FIND ME A MAN I BEG OF YOU.
I just swiped right for a guy on Tinder solely because it looked like he was holding Zoboomafoo
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