A guy in a big stork costume just came to our meeting to give us condoms and t-shirts telling us not to get pregnant. Only at college
I'm full of awesome ideas
Yesss you are. Im full of confusion. I keep finding peanut butter on my legs...
so i had a dream that andrew cuomo ate me out. guess who i'm voting for?
He told me something must be wrong, because no one had seen my boobs yet
constantly striving to make life awkward and more complicated, one drunk bone at a time.
Confidence is key. All I had to tell him is I'm drinking a bottle of wine and eating chocolate today to celebrate that I love myself. That's how you get a Valentine, my friend.
You need to braveheart it on Monday. Blue face paint and a loin cloth screaming freedom in your front yard.
Using the only finger i can move, i calculated body mass, intake and time. It's mathematically impossible for me to still have this hangover at 9pm. I passed out at 8pm last night. Fuck vodka.
You know it's nice having a girlfriend who will lotion your balls for you
The shrooms have turned on carrie. Change of plans. We're getting stoned and finding bacon.
But on the plus side, what he lacked in size he made up for with speed. And grunting.
I'm debating a nap but also debating breaking into the liquor cabinet
It was crazy man, at one point after already going 3 rounds I tried to breakaway for a smoke...she yanked me by the nipple hair back on top of her.
He got the life proof phone case so he could jack off in the shower without his wife knowing
I texted him: “Come over for the Super Bowl. I promise lots of scoring.”
My divorce is turning into a porn script
Randomize
