lol you are funny thanks bro I'll take you to a strip club
I don't wanna go to a strip club I'd rather get my boobs free or earn them from a series of good deeds
Ha! What's wrong with that? Hard work deserves compensation. I accept cash, checks, and boobies!
it's like i warped into dreamland and the only thing that makes sense is my solo cup
I pretty much gave up on you when you told me you couldn't go home yet b/c you had to stop at church first. It was 2 AM and you insisted you were late for mass.
Oscar is the man. He keeps getting pictures of hot nude women with messages in spanish saying "i hope you like it" sent to his phone
whose oscar?
the baller who i guess decided to give out a fake number at the bar last weekend. luckily that fake number was mine. i have enough porn to last me until next month.
So I put about 15 worms in the cuervo bottle. I don't think that's how it works but I feel like hallucinating by 11am
Found her in the closet eating mayo out of the jar with a knife
He's like my sex unicorn. Elusive and majestic. I'll catch him, I'm baiting with patron.
Can you fuck me on the kitchen counter at some point? I'll lysol it after
I'm in the room..It's full of lost souls and sadness. I can taste the salt of their tears. This final might take a few freshman today..
You started an entire relationship based only on sex and emoticons.
Mitt romney looks like a fantastic lover (full disclorsure: im 76% vodka right now)
I think I'm just going to go like every guy on tinder who has a jetski. I'm doing this for us, Summer is coming.
the worst part about living alone is not having other peoples snacks to mooch off of when you havent gone grocery shopping in three weeks. i'm so pms-y i'm about to eat a soy sauce packet
HOW DID I LET MYSELF GET SUCKED IN HE HAS A PENIS FOR PETE'S SAKE.
I just hooked up with the German exchange student who doesn't speak English. And you said I have no talent.
Randomize
