I know it's getting bad when I wash the bong more often then the dishes
you're dressed like that and you're on the rag, that's false advertisment
We got blackout for the alumni dinner, and then walked THROUGH the keynote speaker, managing to still say "excuse me".
I told him I'd have sex with him for fried cheese. Does that make me a hooker or just fat?
After having to meet his mom half naked, running into the tree in front of her didn't seem so bad.
He literally is quoting that 21 questions song, the 50 cent one. oh my god.
Someone better explain the burnt stove marks on my bed.
So on how many levels of wrong is it that I'm reconsidering my divorce simply because I don't want to go through getting used to shitting around someone again.
I just found a GIANT thermos of sangria in my sink. I don't know if its still good to drink, but its good to drink.
If I walk in on you beating off, at least have the fucking decency to STOP BEATING OFF!
That's not fair! You can't come over after you just had sex and rub my dry spell in my face!
It's a sad statement on my day when the high point was getting a pap test.
i just woke up to her giving me a toothy BJ so I had to break into your bedroom and steal about 4 condoms. Sorry for waking you. :(
Smargarita sloshedurday tomorrow around 2
Bring a helmet for your liver
We were looking everywhere for you and I finally found you in the closet talking to a build a bear.. So I gave you and myself another drink
Randomize
