I'm getting drunk watching the disney channel. Is this a main reason why we aren't together anymore?
she must of just birthed a child cause her labia touched the floor
I can't believe I'm wasting this thong on a guy in a sweater vest.
you know that dress I got margarita and puke on? yeah, just returned it.
Come scavenge bits of tuna out of my chest hair
He told me i had to sleep under his bed. He said it would be my castle.
Just walked out of my apartment and came face to face with a shirtless dude playing with his balls and trying to tie his shoes.
And I would just like to take the time to say my boobs look great today.
We had to go to his parents last night for dinner & ended up having a quickie in the bathroom while everyone else was outside smoking.. This is why we have a successful marriage.
Stoned in a petco on a Saturday. I figured out that ferrets can eat themselves out. Just picture it. Never leaving.
Omg no. We ate a raw pumpkin last nighr. We dipped it in BBQ sauce.
Is it bad that I'm tracking my period with Instagram pictures?
He has no idea I'm scrolling through Instagram while he's going down on me. I'm so bored.
After we won that round of beer pong you attempted to swallow the winning ball whole claiming you had the mouth and jaw of a snake.
A snake? I must've been gone...
After that you got naked and hissed at people the rest of the night..
there's fucking coffee grinds packed all inside my pipe. what did i do
Randomize
