Apparently I farted on her in my sleep. Then, just to be sure she was cool, I did it again on purpose and she didnt say anything. So, WIN?
there were no ball for pong so he bought cat toys..... they had bells in them
last night i found out that my 11 year old cousin used me as an example of what not to do in her D.A.R.E. speech. awesome.
according to the contents of this bucket, last night i swallowed a whole teabag
I understand that I gave you a nose bleed with a cheeto last night and for that I apologize
Everyone is hammered wasted already...young, old, the dying, babies...we got them all
There was confetti in my vomit this morning... Happy New Year!!
I am making it a rule that only people I am comfortable around enough to not have to put a bra on are allowed for Sunday funday. I think that's a good rule for someone who started drinking alone at noon while everyone else here sipped their coffee.
No don't worry! What are obnoxious, alcoholic, slut roommates for if not for uplifting words and tales of my folly?!
My phone autocorrects "pooping" to "popping" and I'm like DO YOU EVEN KNOW ME??!
He was leaving the restaurant I was going to as I was parking. I didn't want to scream, "hey, didn't I jerk you off?" Out of my window at 10 am
Our prom king just sent me a dick pic. I know it's 10 years later but I feel like I've finally made it.
He came so fast i dont think he got it all the way in. He apologized and gave me his favorite baseball card.
just saw a kid waiting at the door of the stairs for the elevator. there is no elevator in this building. get on his level.
I don't know what that means but it's making me want to fuck you.
Randomize
