I realized courtney is my jiminy cricket but instead of preventing me from telling lies she prevents me from fucking strangers
swear to god, just saw some chick dressed in a full chicken costume buying eggs and telling the cashier that she "just wants her babies back."
buy whatever she's on. a lot of it.
You kept tellin the cashier that this order was "To Go" over and over...even tho we were in the drive-thru
At the hospital. Forgot we locked Eric out of the house last night as a joke. Hypothermia's a bitch.
Do you think I could put your penis on reserve for tonight or tomorrow night?
You said eat breakfast. So i poured Baileys on top of m&m's. It taste just like like cereal I swear.
Tried to dry my shoes in the oven last night.
You need a Jiminy Cricket, but for sexual decisions.
Just got a nosebleed, my period and the runs all at the same time. I'm either dying, or this is the first sign of the apocalypse. You warning you in case it's the latter.
I drunkenly called my ex on Skype last night and didn't talk, just smiled real big at him until I fell asleep.
how do you not remember that?! you winked at the bouncer and then proceeded to grind on him while chugging a beer. i don't know if i should be proud or embarrassed to be your friend
My night was too much. My morning is even more. Help. I need to teleport the fuck out of here.
Let's put it this way. Mom is bringing me a new shirt and I smell like lube.
the gnome is staring at me and the pineapple is wearing shorts. I don't want to do this anymore.
their motto was "the first one to get arrested wins" so of course today was interesting
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