but i have a bet that her boyfriend is going to try and deflower her tonight so i better get a move on if i want to videotape it
She just got back from rehab. You dont celebrate that with margaritas.
Just talked to the girl you brought home from the bar last night while she was looking for her panties. She said to tell you "nice try".
Just ate cheeseit crumbs off the floor. i feel like Kirstie Alley.
who has that picture of us looking like alcoholics at the zoo?
What's life without a lamp shade you wore home?
I just found a hunk of ham in my back jeans pocket from god knows when. We gotta stop going so ham.
This essay is so getting done. I am spurred on by thoughts of test-driving your newly shaven face by sitting on it as soon as humanly possible.
I saw a crackhead in a ballerina outfit riding a bike while waving her hands and one leg in the air. Never seen such talent in my life
He's texting from midnight mass asking for nude pics. Baby Jesus is spinning in his manger as we speak
Drunk at work, covered in Cheetos is no way to go through life.
I found Cheetos.
Hey Cat, it's Michael. You made out with me for a hot dog last night and I feel super used.
He's at Disney with 4 kids and I'm drinking wine from the bottle in bed at 2:45pm. Does it sound like we're compatible??
I think I was judged by a squirrel this morning during the walk...
I'm classy like audry Hepburn. Chugging wine out of the bottle on the way to the club. Shed do that. I know she would.
Randomize
