doesn't he have a GF?
that just means you have to try harder.
i didn't have to try TOO hard, just told him i didn't want to know his name or...
I drank it, and now my boss keeps hitting me in the face with beams of light.
Tripping at your desk probably isn't the best plan you've had.
I feel like dying is the new "adopt an african baby"
nothing like a negative hiv test and a bag of condoms to brighten my day.
His ankle bracelet only gets in the way when I'm trying to take off his pants.
Fuck, now I'm not only the other woman, but the pregnant one
I ended up in a shower with 9 people and a bunch of unopened beer last night. I think I got peed on. Hands were everywhere. We sold the peed on beer to people knocking on the hotel room door.
Wow, now I'm sad I didn't go.
Scored tix to flower show. Do we want to go drunk on Saturday or hungover on Sunday? Only two options.
why did I try to FaceTime with 311 last night?
So my birthday was awesome. Only remember 45 min of it but I woke up with a girl on the couch and a half bowl of ground beef
I mean honestly, I love naps like Anthony Weiner loves sending dick pics
MORE IMPORTANTLY I THINK I JUST WATCHED SOMEONE GET SO LONELY AS TO TURN BISEXUAL??
So... I may have accidentally just sat on a strip of a home waxing kit.. naked... Assistance is definitely needed....
Pennsylvania now holds the distinct honor of being the third state I've crapped my pants in.
Just ate 2 pieces of pizza in the shower.. New low or fuckin brilliant??
Randomize
